keskiviikko 28. maaliskuuta 2012

Terapeuttinen vuodatus

No mutta. Sehän on kevät! Kotipiha alkaa taas näyttää parempaa puoltaan. Lumi ja jää ovat sulaneet juuri ja juuri sen verran, että nurmikon ja pihakivetyksen hahmottaa jo selvästi. Pikkukoira Alma ihmettelee nurmikkoa ja kuivaa maata, kun ei ole vielä koskaan sellaista nähnyt. Hansu ottaa tyynemmin, mutta sekin vaikuttaa iloiselta uuden vuodenajan alkaessa.

I'm only just starting to realise what I've lived without for so many years. Sometimes I can clearly see, where it all went wrong. I became fragile, so much weaker than many. I long for so many things, but it's not in me to make them happen. It's difficult to understand and settle for the cards I was dealt.
You can tell me not to settle for anything less than I want and always aim higher. But haven't I already made myself miserable enough? Would it be more valuable to find my "league" and aim for the best possible inside the box?

It was something a doctor said. I told her I was depressed and frustrated about my non-existent career. Nobody seems to want to hire me, even though I've applied for many different jobs. No interviews. She looked at my medical history and she said... "with your medical condition it's quite an amazing thing that you graduated at all. Not many people (like you) do."

Honestly, that never crossed my mind before. Ever. For the first time in a long time I felt surprised. I like feeling that way, it's like opening a door to a new possibility I never thought existed. Like there's somewhere else to go outside my own head and thoughts I've gone through a million times. But this time the door opened, and there was nothing behind it. I felt (and sort of still feel) like this is the end of the road for me. The last stop. This is as far as I can go, and there's nothing for me out there. Out there, in the world of real people, adults, who have decent jobs and can pay their bills without selling their souls every day.

Tästä tulee ihan hemmetin masentava blogi. Noh. Ainakin siitä tulee näköiseni. Hehheh. Saattaapi olla, että tekstit jäävät verkkoon killumaan omaksi ilokseni tai surukseni, mutta onhan aina mahdollisuus, että pilaan jonkun toisenkin päivän. Kirjoittaminen on joka tapauksessa terapeuttista, ja kenties onkin vain oikein ja kohtuullista, ettei siitä tule koskaan ammattiani. Joten. Ei muuta kuin päänsärkyisiä öitä teille muillekin. Jossain siellä.

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